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н​а​т​у​р​а​л​ь​н​ы​и​̆ 20

from All's Fair In Filk And War by D.J. McGuire

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Filk of Natural 20 by the Blibbering Humdingers

lyrics

I am surrounded by a cabinet of fools
I dressed them down on TV live
A bunch of tractors; they are pulling all my tanks
I need new luck if I will survive

(Chorus)
Natural 20
I can win battles. I can put my trucks in Kyiv
With bad tires; and get to that damn Zelenskyy
Natural 20
I say they're Nazis, and I make you all believe
Natural 20 is all I need.

When Twitter opened up on me and unleashed Hell
I was left feeling plenty pissed
I tried to bomb them all; it didn't work so well
My troops must fight; they'd better not miss!

(Chorus)

After the battle was lost; I had some generals fired
And I redid my plans so my troops would invade from the east
My troops ran so fast from Kyiv that they couldn’t hide all their crimes
So the murders and raping and theft showed them all to be beasts

(Spoken)
But really, I’m going to try attacking from the east this time.
Anyone have a problem with that? No?
What do you mean our reputation is smashed and the troops are exhausted! Go find an open window!

What happens if he doesn't roll 20?
All the sides are 20.
Where did you find a D20 like that?
Shhhh! It's only a D6; we can't afford d20s after the ruble crashed!

I roll!

Da!

Natural 20
I am a genius; I can change reality,
Wipe out failure, and turn defeat to victory
Natural 20
Russians are grateful; none will try to murder me
Natural 20 is all I need.

(Chorus)

credits

from All's Fair In Filk And War, released April 17, 2022

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all rights reserved

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D.J. McGuire image

D.J. McGuire Suffolk, Virginia

My love of sci-fi/fantasy and my experience as a federal contractor take my muse to interesting places.

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