Get all 8 D.J. McGuire releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Soylent Brownshirts, Goldsmiths' Gambit, McConnell-McCarthy, All's Fair In Filk And War, Starfleet Program Manager, Janaury 6, 2021, You're Not Cleared For This, and Impeachment Carols.
1. |
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I was walking through the Starbase
To see my daughter off
Her first assignment out in space
On the USS Chekhov
When down a clean, lit hallway
Came an officer to the fore
She wore a jumper of blue, and on her collar
Were three pips? No! That’s four!
Now, I’m not the foremost navy man
You all know this is true
But even I know ship commanders
Don’t where the color blue.
She saw my look of confusion
Because her rank was higher
She said, “No, I don’t run a starship.
I command a dumpster fire.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I can’t do what I please.
All the ships explore the galaxy,
While I sail bureaucratese.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I don’t go to the stars,
But ask anyone here and they will swear
I fly high at the local bar.”
I mentioned my daughter’s vessel
She said, “They’re all the same to me.
I fly a computer console,
While they’re out hoping galaxies.”
I wondered about that metaphor
For a starship deep in space
She saw my confusion and simply muttered
“I’m not here for poetic grace.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I can’t do what I please.
All the ships explore the galaxy,
While I sail bureaucratese.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I don’t go to the stars,
But ask anyone here and they will swear
I fly high at the local bar.”
I said, “your job sure sounds frustrating,
Staying here while the ships are gone.
She said, “I may never end up on a bridge,
But at least one’s in this song.”
As I went to see my young one
I stopped and turned to say
“Thank you for the conversation.
I hope you get out there one day.”
She said, “Being a program manager
Has its share of travails
But starship captains succeed or die
And they’ll promote me if I fail.”
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I can’t do what I please.
All the ships explore the galaxy,
While I sail bureaucratese.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
With all the nonsense that entails,
But starship captains succeed or die
And they’ll promote me when I fail.”
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2. |
King of America
03:44
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I’ve kept you subjects through the years and wars
Now I’m hearing you won’t take any more
You’re mad at all the things I tax, and now you want to take an ax
To all of our imperial bonds; how ever much you want me gone
I’m still your king, I’m still king, of America,I’m still king
And you will sing, you will sing, To the glory of your king
You’ll keep my portrait on all your walls
I know that it will still hang in ev’ry hall
I’ll send to you a massive force; My parliament has said “Of course!”
Whatever army size I need, to make sure you all bend the knee
And keep me king, I’m still king, of America, I’m still king
And you will sing, you will sing, To the glory of your king
I’m sick of all this arguing
You all should say the same thing
You talk too much of freedom
It’s a fix that will be broken
I’ve hired a bunch of Hessians
Soon school will be in session
Then all of you will learn
You should have heard instead of spoken
I’ll make sure the next time you know
That you can’t tell me no
My troops will earn your loyalty
To royalty and you’ll be
Back, you’ll be back, Happy with the Union Jack
And when push comes to shove
I’ll send a fully armed battalion, and kill your friends and family, to remind you of my love
My force of redco-o-o-oats
They will sweeten your sour no-o-o-otes
And keep me king, I’m still king, of America, I’m still king
And you will sing, you will sing, To the glory of your king
I’m still your king, I’m still king, of America, I’m still king
And you will sing, you will sing, To the glory of your king
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-daya-da
Da-da-da-da-daya-da
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3. |
Darker Memes
02:01
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Memes, memes, so many darker memes
The darker, the truer, that's how it seems
When we know we can't afford the therapy
We just drown ourselves in the darker memes
I went on social media ‘cause I was feeling down
And I looked for pictures to turn myself around
But instead I felt like my life just is not what it should be
‘Til I found the posts with the darker memes
Memes, memes, so many darker memes
The darker, the truer, that's how it seems
When we know we can't afford the therapy
We just drown ourselves in the darker memes
They were people feeling anxious; they were people feeling sad
They were showing their pain, and admitting they felt bad
There were cynics; there were pessimists, all on my mobile phone
But at last I knew I was not alone
Memes, memes, so many darker memes
The darker, the truer, that's how it seems
When we know we can't afford the therapy
We just drown ourselves in the darker memes
I found myself a generator, found myself a pic
Then I used some captions that showed how I was sick
I’d at last reveal depression and my deep anxiety
As I posted my own darker meme
Memes, memes, so many darker memes
The darker, the truer, that's how it seems
When we know we can't afford the therapy
We just drown ourselves in the darker memes
When we know we can't afford the therapy
We just drown ourselves in the darker memes
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4. |
EPMH
01:42
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Well the program was in trouble, that’s for certain
Any further delays and it would have been curtains
To make matter worse, we were burnin’ through budget
And we’d run out of creative manners to fudge it
So I told the sponsor in my next communication
“Time to break the glass; bring the EPMH in”
Emergency Program Management Hologram
He materialized with the air of command
In his gold uniform with four neck pips
He used all the higher skills of management
Got the schedule sorted and the cost cut down
And the stakeholders felt like they were on the ninth cloud
The team had been stuck in the phase of stormin’
But the EPMH, he soon got them performin’
He maneuvered deftly, getting people on task
And he always kept his eye on the critical path
In no time at all, it brought heart to the team
To hear: “Please state the nature of the management emergency”
So the next time your program goes off the rails
Just use the technology that never fails
Agile or Waterfall, he’ll set it right
Trust your projects to the safety of photons and light
When you need a miracle for your program
Call th’Emergency Program Management Hologram
“Please state the nature of the management emergency”
“Yes there’s a problem. Your task is not on file.”
“I’m a program manager, not a doctor.”
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5. |
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Let us go then, you and I
Hurling through the stretched-out sky
I have found you here at last
Erasing my past
For Beltalowda you did fight
Against the inners’ hate and spite
I’ve never known anyone so true
I believe in you
It's too late to make you my wife
So instead I'll give you my life
And if that's how it must be
That's ok with me
I saw what your dad’s people did
I know how hard you resisted
And what those bastards did to you
And all Eros too
But this is not the Razorback
So not to Earth can you go back
‘Cause there are billions at risk now
Not just one named Mao
It's too late to make you my wife
So instead I'll give you my life
And if that's how it must be
That's ok with me
It’s the first time in years that I’ve had something to live for
But I know you don’t have long, so neither do I
So let’s land in the Goddess of Love, and stay here a little more
It all makes sense to me, when I look in your eyes
It's too late to make you my wife
So instead I'll give you my life
And if that's how it must be
That's ok with me
It’s just Eros, you, and me
Oyedeng Julie
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6. |
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When a humble bard comes to play your con
Be sure to remember when they sing their songs
How much time was spent and silver was vanquished
To build up their talents and make them distinguished
Their muse comes for them; Never mind the hour,
Breaks down resistance; The call of Art's power
Brought them to the stage; So if you're able
Buy some of their merch shown at their table
Toss a coin to your Filker
And go by their CD
And go by their CD, Oh-Oh-Oh
Toss a coin to your Filker
Convention attendees
At the end of the night, find the circle formed
Let their songs reach you, and bring you the morn'
They take every tune, make the lyrics new
Give us some humor, make us less blue
When the con is done, as to home you run
If you've funds in your budget, Go give them some
That’s my humble call; They won't want it all
Just a bit for their talents in this hotel hall
Toss a coin to your Filker
And go by their CD
And go by their CD, Oh-Oh-Oh
Toss a coin to your Filker
Convention attendees
Toss a coin to your Filker
And go by their CD
And go by their CD, Oh-Oh-Oh
Toss a coin to your Filker
Convention attendees
Toss a coin to your Filker
And go by their CD
And go by their CD, Oh-Oh-Oh
Toss a coin to your Filker
Convention attendees
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7. |
Troll Ruskie
03:35
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Troll Ruskie go into office
In Saint Petersburg
Troll Ruskie yelled at in meeting
By Boss who is jerk
Boss says Troll Ruskie’s work is horrible
Not enough retweets
His code not getting hits on Instagram
Facebook likes are weak
Troll Ruskie think maybe Boss should write
Whole fucking algorithm himself
Troll Ruskie not say this. Know why?
Troll Ruskie he not want to die!
Troll Ruskie like vodka
Troll Ruskie like borscht and Mickey-D’s
Troll Ruskie just simple man
Troll Ruskie have simple wants
Troll Ruskie, it me!
Troll Ruskie spend time at front desk
Say you really look chic
Troll Ruskie go and rub your shoulders
Give you kiss on the cheek
Troll Ruskie say you very beautiful
Want you at his place
You say Troll Ruskie very arrogant
And you slap his face
Troll Ruskie go back to his own keybord,
Starts to argue with some Yanks
Troll Ruskie not feeling to good
Troll Ruskie would kill if he could
Troll Ruskie like vodka
Troll Ruskie like borscht and Mickey-D’s
Troll Ruskie just simple man
Troll Ruskie have simple wants
Troll Ruskie, it me!
Troll Ruskie like vodka
Troll Ruskie like borscht and Mickey-D’s
Troll Ruskie just simple man
Troll Ruskie have simple heart
Troll Ruskie, it me!
Troll Ruskie, it me.........No Bot!
Troll Ruskie have every reason
To want out of this job
But Troll Ruskie owes too much money
To local Russian mob
Much rather walk away from monitor
And escape this crap
But unless he gets rubles for his bills
He will get dirt nap
Troll Ruskie keeps pitting Yanks against themselves
For hours every day
Troll Ruskie needs nowhere to roam
Troll Ruskie just wants to go home
Troll Ruskie like vodka
Troll Ruskie like borscht and Mickey-D’s
Troll Ruskie just simple man
Troll Ruskie have simple wants
Troll Ruskie, it me!
Troll Ruskie, it me!
Troll Ruskie, it me!
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8. |
Drunk As My Spellchecker
02:00
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It all got started with a text, and now I curse my lot.
My thumbs typed “need you for a sec.” That’s not what my boss got.
Now I’m unemployed and I've been drinking here all day
I’m drunk as my spellchecker, and I’m sure I'll stay that way
I knew years ago the spellchecker had a mind of its own.
I tried to type "Grrrr" but instead it was "Ferrets” sent on my phone.
I was laughing too hard then to give it a rebuke
Now I’m drunk as my spellchecker; I wonder if it puked.
You could call this part the bridge if you like….
My spellchecker wonders when the refrigerator turned white
Now I have to tell my partner that I need a ride.
I break out my phone to type and swallow all my pride.
Now my dearest wonders why I’m swelling and lying prone
I’m drunk as my spellchecker and I’m never getting Rome?
I’m drunk as my spellchecker and I’m never getting hemp?
I’m drunk as my spellchecker… and I’m never getting… Hermione?!?!?!
Oh the hell with it!
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9. |
Fifth of May
03:04
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The worst is now behind us
As the morning sun is shining on the
Day after the another
Gringo fiesta gone to hell
‘Twas a springtime set of parties
All across El Grand Norte that left
Every prideful Mexican
Beg for the closing bell
Broken Dos Equies on the floor
The tequila is no more
And the hungover Amer’cans
Lost the Spanish learned before
It’s the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
I hate the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
Cinquo de Mayo they all shouted
‘Bout the day the French were routed, at least
That’s what it’s supposed to be
For everyone who knows
But the heroes’ win at Puebla
Featured nowhere in the cele-brating
Crowds intoxicating themselves
Until the bars closed
Drinking themselves under tables
With no word about how able
Were the Mexicans who stormed to victory
O’er Imperial Foes
It’s the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
I hate the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
Every Mexican feels so sad
And I get why they are so mad, but
I'm singing this in English
So I guess I'm just as bad
It’s the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
I hate the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
It’s the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
I hate the Sunday after the Saturday immediately following
The actual calendar day, the 5th of May
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10. |
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Watching the White House play footsie with tyrants
Subsidies for coal but not health insurance
Crap in a box with “reform” labeling
These are the reasons we can’t have nice things
Imposing tariffs and exiting trade deals
All to save jobs that in practice are not real
Tax reform that is in fact no such thing
These are the reasons we can’t have nice things
When the news breaks
On my phone screen
And I’m feeling sad
I think of the reasons we can’t have nice things
But none of that makes me glad
Ship of State led by a buffoon so bitter
Careful diplomacy blown up on Twitter
Beauty Pageants with Roy Moore in the wings
These are the reasons we can’t have nice things
Having to rely for reason on Mike Pence
Did I just say something nice about Mike Pence?!?!
What the fuck could four more years of this bring?
These are the reasons we can’t have nice things
When the news breaks
On my phone screen
I’m no longer sad
To paraphrase one of Mikey Mason’s songs
The better descriptor’s mad
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11. |
Dazed Tennis Ball
02:28
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I should've known you couldn’t say farewell;
The lesson to be learned from this, you didn’t learn it well.
Don’t you know she’s not the only starfish in the sea;
And whenever I hear her name, it’s chalkboard nails to me.
And I know it's gonna go all wrong;
Yeah, I do recall this song;
You’re bouncin' back to her just like a dazed tennis ball.
She never cared for who you became;
To her you were an ornament, somethin' for her game.
Always bitching, never list’ning, to your point of view.
Pretension and pure arrogance were all she gave to you.
And I know it's gonna go all wrong;
Yeah, I do recall this song;
You’re bouncin' back to her just like a dazed tennis ball.
That story's in the past, no need for the re-run;
You’ve got your life to live, without that crazy one.
That rollercoaster ride, it nearly made you puke your guts;
If you think that it’s different now, you really have gone nuts.
And I know it's gonna go all wrong;
Yeah, I do recall this song;
You’re bouncin' back to her just like a dazed tennis ball.
I know it's gonna go all wrong;
Yeah, I do recall this song;
You’re bouncin' back to her just like a dazed tennis ball.
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12. |
Tweetbots
02:27
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Tweetbots, they are Russia’s friends
Marvel at your freedom’s end
Vote, go ahead and vote; you will see that
It makes no difference
Our trolls in St.Petersburg
Make your campaigns go absurd
Trump, it started with Trump. Will it end with
him? No, he’s just first.
Follow @TenGOP
And watch what we make you see
Like, please retweet and like, you will do our
bidding happily
Tweetbots, they are Russia’s friends
Marvel at your freedom’s end
Vote, go ahead and vote; you will see that
It makes no difference
You may think our plans fall flat
But you still see those red hats
Proof, in them you see Proof. Proof that it is
Voters we can hack
You cannot bring on our doom
We'll tweet ”But her emails" soon.
Dance, Americanskis Dance. Know that you are
Dancing to our tune
Tweetbots, they are Russia’s friends
Marvel at your freedom’s end
Vote, go ahead and vote; you will see that
It makes no difference
Don’t think anything you hear
Will matter to MAGA ears
Drink, I will laugh and drink; umm, why does my
Vodka taste so weird?
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13. |
Filker's Night
05:28
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On Friday night, the folks are bright and shining;
It is the night of the convention’s start
Long were the filkers waiting for the circle,
Now it appears in the room with the bards.
Guitars are strummed, the music quickly rises,
As veterans play and newbie fans are born.
Lo lend your ears, O hear the filker voices!
O night sublime, O night when filkers play!
O night, O Filkers’ night, O night sublime!
Come Saturday, while others are all drinking,
We gather where con staff tells us we can.
So many songs are repeated from last night,
For lo we have found another new fan.
And so once more we play our filker favorites,
With some new tunes we wrote in the hotel
Lo lend your ears, O hear the filker voices!
O night sublime, O night when filkers play!
O night, O Filkers’ night, O night sublime!
Come Sunday morn we console one another;
Then we return to our various lives.
Then we will mark the the con next on the schedule
And we shall cheer when the day does arrive.
For we all know when next we are together
We’ll gather and the circle forms once more.
Lo lend your ears, O hear the filker voices!
O night sublime, O night when filkers play!
O night, O Filkers’ night, O night sublime!
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14. |
On 95
04:54
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On 95, on Wednesday
No backup, on the interstate
My point of view makes me irate
No joy comes from its near triumph
And there’s a dream of utopia; it’s fading
It’s falling away crushed by the weight of reality
The naivete that spawned it
Can no longer try to escape the ingrained inequality
It feels like it’s missing something or someone that it knows just can't be now
And if it isn’t, I certainly am
Homesick for a viewpoint frozen in time
But now it makes no sense to me
When you lie to yourself for so many years
The harshness of truth comes at you suddenly
And the dream of utopia, it’s fading
It’s falling away crushed by the weight of reality
The naivete that spawned it
Can no longer try to escape the ingrained inequality
It feels like it’s missing something or someone that it knows just can't be now
And if it isn’t, I certainly am
I’ll be the one who drinks on my podcast
You'll be the stance that I left behind
They’ll be the women I tell, “I’m sorry”
For all of the pain from you as you die
On 95, on Wednesday
No mourning, as I drive on and change my mind
And now the dream of utopia, it’s fading
It’s falling away crushed by the weight of reality
The naivete that spawned it
Can no longer try to escape the ingrained inequality
It feels like it’s missing something or someone that it knows just can't be now
And if it isn’t, I certainly am
On 95
On 95
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15. |
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I can't tell you who I work for, just the things that I can do
It would drive you to distraction, all the things I know are true
And I'd really like to vent all my frustrations here to you
But the clearance level means I cannot diss,
So all I can say is "You're not cleared for this."
You'd never think that it's all true, the things that I did see
Five billion dollars simply lost...and not by DoD
And don't even get me started on what goes on in IT
Oh hang on, a jail cell's not something I'll risk,
So I'll just drink more 'cause you're not cleared for this.
When the fake news comes up on my screen, it makes my head go boom
But the truth is just restricted to the people in the room
Where I heard it, so I must stay silent in the face of doom
I just filp the bird at my TV like this,
And I scream, "You bastards, you're not cleared for this!"
THIS BRIDGE HAS BEEN REDACTED
I've been at this for twenty years, the things that I could tell
But non-disclosure 'greements mean there is no way in hell
That I'd spill my guts about this if you listened for a spell
So sit back, enjoy your ignorance and bliss,
And thank your gods that you're not cleared for this.
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D.J. McGuire Suffolk, Virginia
My love of sci-fi/fantasy and my experience as a federal contractor take my muse to interesting places.
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