Starfleet Program Manager

by D.J. McGuire

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1.	Headquarters Help Desk 03:01	lyrics	buy track
Have yourself a seat here, and let me tell my tale You may want to order yourself some Romulan Ale I'm sure you'll be amused while I sit and vent my spleen I run Headquarters Help Desk And oh the things I've seen "I can't reach a starship," the Admiral did cry Credit to the Ensign, no laugh in her reply "Did you push the subspace button "In the corner of your screen?" I run Headquarters Help Desk And Geez the things I've seen "My console just went dark!" The Captain did complain. The Yeoman stayed respectful somehow as they explained. "I see there is no power. "Have you plugged in your machine?" I run Headquarters Help Desk And Wow the things I've seen Some Lieutenant said his replicator's on the fritz Two escalations later I laughed until I spit Then told the man he has to ask For sweet'ner in his tea I run Headquarters Help Desk And Lord the things I've seen My team should get commendations For what they've been through But no one knows because there is No bridge, save in this tune. Weapons, ships, and engines, they're always all the rage But we keep all the lights on by doing our jobs backstage So be sure to remember My dedicated team We are Headquarters Help Desk And Damn! The things we've seen!
2.	Could Have Been a Subspace Call 04:03	lyrics	buy track
I had that sinkin' feelin', all the way down the hall Saw the big conference table, knew that wasn't good at all It's yet another meeting, That could have been a subspace call Saw a bunch of starship captains; from vessels big and small They were sittin' in the office chairs; Couldn't say they were enthralled They were stuck in another meeting, That could have been a subspace call I could see the transporter; it had just been installed Heard the hum of new attendees and I saw their faces fall They'd been sent to another meeting, That could have been a subspace call From the hills of San Francisco, to the Vulcan's Ancient Hall They'd been invited by an Admiral with unmitigated gall He'd called them to a meeting, That could have been a subspace call The Admiral gave his welcome, put a slide deck on the wall Don't ask me what the brief was, not a word could I recall I just know it was a meeting, That could have been a subspace call When the Admiral asked for questions, I could sworn there'd be a brawl Thanks to some brown-nose of an ensign, our chance to leave had been forstalled We just wanted to end this meeting, That could have been a subspace call When the Q&A was over, I sent a message to Jamal Told him I'd bust him down to Yeoman, if he had the wherewithal To forward invites to more meetings, That could have just been subspace calls Now I'm in my windowed office, looking out into a squall The rain is pounding at the glass now, while I sip some Fireball Because today has no more meetings That could have been $(#&! subspace calls
3.	Starfleet Program Manager 03:25	lyrics	buy track
I was walking through the Starbase To see my daughter off Her first assignment out in space On the USS Chekhov When down a clean, lit hallway Came an officer to the fore She wore a jumper of blue, and on her collar Were three pips? No! That’s four! Now, I’m not the foremost navy man You all know this is true But even I know ship commanders Don’t where the color blue. She saw my look of confusion Because her rank was higher She said, “No, I don’t run a starship. I command a dumpster fire. “I’m a Starfleet Program Manager. So I can’t do what I please. All the ships explore the galaxy, While I sail bureaucratese. “I’m a Starfleet Program Manager. So I don’t go to the stars, But ask anyone here and they will swear I fly high at the local bar.” I mentioned my daughter’s vessel She said, “They’re all the same to me. I fly a computer console, While they’re out hoping galaxies.” I wondered about that metaphor For a starship deep in space She saw my confusion and simply muttered “I’m not here for poetic grace. “I’m a Starfleet Program Manager. So I can’t do what I please. All the ships explore the galaxy, While I sail bureaucratese. “I’m a Starfleet Program Manager. So I don’t go to the stars, But ask anyone here and they will swear I fly high at the local bar.” I said, “your job sure sounds frustrating, Staying here while the ships are gone. She said, “I may never end up on a bridge, But at least one’s in this song.” As I went to see my young one I stopped and turned to say “Thank you for the conversation. I hope you get out there one day.” She said, “Being a program manager Has its share of travails But starship captains succeed or die And they’ll promote me if I fail.” “I’m a Starfleet Program Manager. So I can’t do what I please. All the ships explore the galaxy, While I sail bureaucratese. “I’m a Starfleet Program Manager. With all the nonsense that entails, But starship captains succeed or die And they’ll promote me when I fail.”
4.	Quality Assurance 02:55	lyrics	buy track
Your new warp core is the talk of the base It puts a smile on every pilot's face But you didn't plan for a rip in subspace Did you? You tell yourself no one does what I've done Well, here's a list of the tests I've begun You see the subspace rip, more than once Don't you? {Chorus} I'm the one who shows you all the things that you did wrong. So please fix what I give you, or you won't be here for long. Who sent me this phaser design It may raise damage by a factor of nine But they saw it sends all the engines offline Didn't they? Didn't they?! Yes I know the design is really sublime It reallyu could shifts the weapons paradigm But they know ships shoot and move at the same time Don't they? Don't they?! {Chorus} {Bridge} Quality Assurance may seem just to be in your way But we test scenarios that are sure to be someday Take these problems seriously and get them fixed real soon Unless you want your projects' only bridge to be in this tune Transporter tech could use a boost And this design was well-produced But you knew that a quasar would cook their goose Didn't you? Didn't you?! You may not have thought of what I've learned But you'd best address them before you adjuourn You don't want us full of quasar burns Do you? {Chorus} Your new warp core's still talk of the base And now it won't tear apart subspace But you knew the nacellls couldn't handle the pace Didn't you?
5.	Hurry Up and Wait 03:07	lyrics	buy track
(Chorus x2) Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait It's the life of the SME Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week, For data and decisions coming down Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week, Until the schedule turns upside down Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, Here is the data; give us what we need Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, The Admiral can't wait for COB Hurry up, wait a week, it's faster than warp factor eight Hurry up, wait a week, it's slower than Porthos's gait Hurry up! (Chorus x2) Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week, For budget figures coming any night Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week, Hold up we still aren't using money, right? Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, Here is the data; give us what we need Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, We don't needmoney; we need FTEs Hurry up, wait a week, it's slower than thrusters on half Hurry up, wait a week, it's faster than Q's finger snap Hurry up! Starfleet needs to know what it's supposed to do So tell them what the figures mean and reassure the project team Starfleet needs to know, and so it looks to you Just don't say "there's no way in hell," 'cause that's why they built this nacell Starfleet needs to know what it's supposed to do They may not hear a single word until you're long gone and transferred But Starfleet needs to know, and so it looks to you And if you cause a warp core breach, remember you can always teach Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week, The test and simulations aren't done yet Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week, What kind of data do you think we'll get? Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, Here is the data; give us what we need Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, Good Lord, do engineers know how to read? Hurry up, wait a week, it's longer than Voyager's return Hurry up, wait a week, it's shorter than what did the Burn Hurry up! (Chorus) Yesterday we said you had a week, but now the Admiral just said he wants a peek, and so, we need what you have Now. We need it now. Yes we said now. We need it now. Hang on The Admiral rescheduled, and we'll get back to you a week from now. Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait Up and wait! Up and wait! Hurry up and wait and Hurry up and wait and Hurry up and Wait, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait Hurry up! and Wait
6.	EPMH 01:49	lyrics	buy track
Well the program was in trouble, that’s for certain Any further delays and it would have been curtains To make matter worse, we were burnin’ through budget And we’d run out of creative manners to fudge it So I told the sponsor in my next communication “Time to break the glass; bring the EPMH in” Emergency Program Management Hologram He materialized with the air of command In his gold uniform with four neck pips He used all the higher skills of management Got the schedule sorted and the cost cut down And the stakeholders felt like they were on the ninth cloud The team had been stuck in the phase of stormin’ But the EPMH, he soon got them performin’ He maneuvered deftly, getting people on task And he always kept his eye on the critical path In no time at all, it brought heart to the team To hear: “Please state the nature of the management emergency” So the next time your program goes off the rails Just use the technology that never fails Agile or Waterfall, he’ll set it right Trust your projects to the safety of photons and light When you need a miracle for your program Call th’Emergency Program Management Hologram “Please state the nature of the management emergency” “Yes there’s a problem. Your task is not on file.” “I’m a program manager, not a doctor.”
7.	Kicked Upstairs 10:12	lyrics	buy track
The woman sat before me; her eyes stared off in space; She looked to me as happy as a child. Her face lit up with joy as it had for so many years, Although recently far rarer was her smile. She said “I've lived a lifetime, right here behind this desk. I've done everything a bureaucrat can do I've worked my way from Ensign to Captain on this rock; And I've briefed a Starfleet C-in-C or two. “Through all of this there was still one thing that I did miss, A longing I had for a ship command. I'm leaving on a transport, the USS T'Pol To see strange new worlds and visit distant lands.” {Chorus} She wants to feel the warp corps shake the plates beneath her, As the stars go by for everyone to see. She's had enough of flying damned computer consoles Instead she wants to be out hopping galaxies. I sat there in front of her too stunned to say a word. My mentor was leaving for deep space. All the challenges of project management I'd seen Came fromwatching her since I came to this place. Starfleet Academy was quite the trip for me, Four years of preparation in the class. The wisdom gained was far too theoretical for space; So they sent me to a desk to plant my ass. I prospered in her shadow; I rose under her wing. Quickly my pips went from one to three. I grew comfortable in my position, happily to know That I'd never have to work as hard as she. {Chorus} Is there anything else you need? We shared a final smile. She said, “Nothing here, I'm ready for the stars. Still I have some time before, I take my center seat. How 'bout you and I have one more at the bar?" It may have started as one drink, but then it went all night. We laughed so hard I could't stop the tears. The foll'wing day, I saw a note; I sat in her old chair And fondly I remembered all our years. I read the note that morning and sat up with a start. My happiness dissolved into a sob. "Enjoy the desk," the note said and suddenly I knew. Those bastards, they had given me her job! {Chorus x2}
8.	Farewell to the Past 04:18	lyrics	buy track
Say farewell to all from your past time encounters Say farewell to all of your friends from the past For we're from Temporal Investigation Be aware that this briefing could be your last (Chorus) We will ask and we'll probe like ltrue civil servants We will ask and we'll probe from day upon day And you'd better hope we can tell all of Starfleet That you haven't sent the timeline far astray You cling to your tale of minimal impact You cling to your tale to stay in the clear But if we find differences in all your stories The squaring up will likely see you cashiered (Chorus) Did you whip 'round a star, or go through a wormhole How far back in time did you manage to go Exact Stardate please, or was it pre-Federation Even if you don't say, our successors will know (Chorus) For all must be given to Starfleet the answers Of just what you did in your time in the past Let go your anxiety and all deception Just stick with the truth or you're out on your ass (Chorus) Now you just might think, you've managed to fool us You think that you've thwarted us from our work But before you go with what you think aresecrets Ask yourself who really demoted Jim Kirk (Chorus) Say farewell to all from your past time encounters Say farewell to all of your friends from the past For we're from Temporal Investigation Be aware that this briefing could be your last
9.	Memos to Nowhere 03:20	lyrics	buy track
{chorus} Forever forgetting the memos to nowhere When probing the projects that did not succeed The issues, the blockers, the risks, and the impacts Remain in the files, but they stay there, unseen These memos to nowhere, that no one will read. I write as I must, when I'm on brand new programs As Starfleet goes questing to turn visions new Into grand achivements in science and progress With no thought to timelines on what they will do {chorus} But it's also my lot to inform and give warning About all the resources that we'll require It's easy for them to think since there's no money There must be no cost, even as it jumps higher {chorus} For if they're to finish whatever they started If they're to be trusted to stay within scope Perhaps they will notice my well-written warnings Instead of explaining the warp cores they broke. {chorus}
10.	Risa Security Training 03:23	lyrics	buy track
You may call it heaven; we still see the hell Through the aphrodisiacs, and the lovely smells There's spies and thieves a plenty Doctoring your drinks Whate'er you think of Risa It's riskier than you think You may think you're wisened; you think you've seen it all That's what they are hoping: pride before the fall There was the crew from Enterprise They all felt the same Then they found the dangers Were more than just a game Yes it's a vacation; enjoy yourselves for sure Still our admonitions are more than just manure We're drafting up a briefing On all the fiends that lurk But every single version Is tagged Not Safe for Work! We'll include a video explaining what we've warned Once the project sponsors stop thinking that it's porn Until then take our word on The risks of honeypots If you don't guard our secrets Our foes will take the lot! If you have a breach on your stay Be it short or long The only bridge that you'll be near Is in this little song There's so much on Risa to give you all you need Still you must remember the warnings that we plead We don't care whom you sleep with Your sex life is your own But treat this like it's Argo And you'll be more than prone Now you've heard our briefing on what you must avoid Make sure not to mix our frustration with your joy Your pleasures and our business Should stay firmly unlinked Whate'er you think of Risa It's riskier than you think
11.	(Agile) Sure Ain't Warp Nine 02:37	info	buy track
12.	The Only Constant In the Universe 03:10	lyrics	buy track
I am the model of the only constant in the universe, And Starfleet functions best from all the policies that I disperse. If you're a maverick officer who thinks our mandates are a curse You should be warned that our reactions truly tend to the adverse. I'm very well acquainted with all matters bureaucratical, I know from Kirk to Burnham, captains find them all impractical, But if you think ignoring them is somehow wise and tactical You'll find me and my colleagues justifiably intractible. I write our regulations in a multitude of languages From diplomatic matters down to replicating sandwiches But don't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse I am the model of the only constant in the universe. There were a bunch of rebels; they were running Section 31, For years and years they fought our rules; they really were the dirty ones. So we gave them an AI to bring order to their craziness And it was going perfectly until the thing got sentience. Directives that we write are done from wisdom of the brainiacs But starship captains, they don't care; they're ust a bunch of maniacs. They drive us crazy: Archer, Burnham, Sisko, Pike, Picard, and Kirk And someone please tell Janeway that is now it's supposed towork! Our mandates are written to cover all eventualities, Except for those that seem to happen often in reality So don't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse I am the model of the only constant in the universe. Sometimes it seems the only shipmates who are staying in their lanes Are those derived from holograms or sporting positronic brains But even they can figure out the rules need not be broken to Be bent out of proportion so we have to write them all anew. You'll see me and my colleagues bringing order every century From Enterprise to Voyager all the way to Discovery No matter all the crazies who are out there hopping galaxies They never can escape the constant of Starfleet bureaucracies. So when you think you'll get assigned to flagships of our lovely fleet But instead find your shuttle dock to freighters as you nash your teeth You won't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse I am the model of the only constant in the universe. You won't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse I am the model of the only constant in the universe.

about

If you've ever wondered how in the universe those Starfleet Captains get away with what they do to their ships...well, so do their colleagues back home! These are the stories of the designers, developers, and support staff that have to clean up and fix everything Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, Archer, and Burnham broke.