Get all 8 D.J. McGuire releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Soylent Brownshirts, Goldsmiths' Gambit, McConnell-McCarthy, All's Fair In Filk And War, Starfleet Program Manager, Janaury 6, 2021, You're Not Cleared For This, and Impeachment Carols.
1. |
Headquarters Help Desk
03:01
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Have yourself a seat here, and let me tell my tale
You may want to order yourself some Romulan Ale
I'm sure you'll be amused while
I sit and vent my spleen
I run Headquarters Help Desk
And oh the things I've seen
"I can't reach a starship," the Admiral did cry
Credit to the Ensign, no laugh in her reply
"Did you push the subspace button
"In the corner of your screen?"
I run Headquarters Help Desk
And Geez the things I've seen
"My console just went dark!" The Captain did complain.
The Yeoman stayed respectful somehow as they explained.
"I see there is no power.
"Have you plugged in your machine?"
I run Headquarters Help Desk
And Wow the things I've seen
Some Lieutenant said his replicator's on the fritz
Two escalations later I laughed until I spit
Then told the man he has to ask
For sweet'ner in his tea
I run Headquarters Help Desk
And Lord the things I've seen
My team should get commendations
For what they've been through
But no one knows because there is
No bridge, save in this tune.
Weapons, ships, and engines, they're always all the rage
But we keep all the lights on by doing our jobs backstage
So be sure to remember
My dedicated team
We are Headquarters Help Desk
And Damn! The things we've seen!
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2. |
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I had that sinkin' feelin', all the way down the hall
Saw the big conference table, knew that wasn't good at all
It's yet another meeting,
That could have been a subspace call
Saw a bunch of starship captains; from vessels big and small
They were sittin' in the office chairs; Couldn't say they were enthralled
They were stuck in another meeting,
That could have been a subspace call
I could see the transporter; it had just been installed
Heard the hum of new attendees and I saw their faces fall
They'd been sent to another meeting,
That could have been a subspace call
From the hills of San Francisco, to the Vulcan's Ancient Hall
They'd been invited by an Admiral with unmitigated gall
He'd called them to a meeting,
That could have been a subspace call
The Admiral gave his welcome, put a slide deck on the wall
Don't ask me what the brief was, not a word could I recall
I just know it was a meeting,
That could have been a subspace call
When the Admiral asked for questions, I could sworn there'd be a brawl
Thanks to some brown-nose of an ensign, our chance to leave had been forstalled
We just wanted to end this meeting,
That could have been a subspace call
When the Q&A was over, I sent a message to Jamal
Told him I'd bust him down to Yeoman, if he had the wherewithal
To forward invites to more meetings,
That could have just been subspace calls
Now I'm in my windowed office, looking out into a squall
The rain is pounding at the glass now, while I sip some Fireball
Because today has no more meetings
That could have been $(#&! subspace calls
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3. |
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I was walking through the Starbase
To see my daughter off
Her first assignment out in space
On the USS Chekhov
When down a clean, lit hallway
Came an officer to the fore
She wore a jumper of blue, and on her collar
Were three pips? No! That’s four!
Now, I’m not the foremost navy man
You all know this is true
But even I know ship commanders
Don’t where the color blue.
She saw my look of confusion
Because her rank was higher
She said, “No, I don’t run a starship.
I command a dumpster fire.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I can’t do what I please.
All the ships explore the galaxy,
While I sail bureaucratese.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I don’t go to the stars,
But ask anyone here and they will swear
I fly high at the local bar.”
I mentioned my daughter’s vessel
She said, “They’re all the same to me.
I fly a computer console,
While they’re out hoping galaxies.”
I wondered about that metaphor
For a starship deep in space
She saw my confusion and simply muttered
“I’m not here for poetic grace.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I can’t do what I please.
All the ships explore the galaxy,
While I sail bureaucratese.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I don’t go to the stars,
But ask anyone here and they will swear
I fly high at the local bar.”
I said, “your job sure sounds frustrating,
Staying here while the ships are gone.
She said, “I may never end up on a bridge,
But at least one’s in this song.”
As I went to see my young one
I stopped and turned to say
“Thank you for the conversation.
I hope you get out there one day.”
She said, “Being a program manager
Has its share of travails
But starship captains succeed or die
And they’ll promote me if I fail.”
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
So I can’t do what I please.
All the ships explore the galaxy,
While I sail bureaucratese.
“I’m a Starfleet Program Manager.
With all the nonsense that entails,
But starship captains succeed or die
And they’ll promote me when I fail.”
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4. |
Quality Assurance
02:55
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Your new warp core is the talk of the base
It puts a smile on every pilot's face
But you didn't plan for a rip in subspace
Did you?
You tell yourself no one does what I've done
Well, here's a list of the tests I've begun
You see the subspace rip, more than once
Don't you?
{Chorus}
I'm the one who shows you all the things that you did wrong.
So please fix what I give you, or you won't be here for long.
Who sent me this phaser design
It may raise damage by a factor of nine
But they saw it sends all the engines offline
Didn't they? Didn't they?!
Yes I know the design is really sublime
It reallyu could shifts the weapons paradigm
But they know ships shoot and move at the same time
Don't they? Don't they?!
{Chorus}
{Bridge}
Quality Assurance may seem just to be in your way
But we test scenarios that are sure to be someday
Take these problems seriously and get them fixed real soon
Unless you want your projects' only bridge to be in this tune
Transporter tech could use a boost
And this design was well-produced
But you knew that a quasar would cook their goose
Didn't you? Didn't you?!
You may not have thought of what I've learned
But you'd best address them before you adjuourn
You don't want us full of quasar burns
Do you?
{Chorus}
Your new warp core's still talk of the base
And now it won't tear apart subspace
But you knew the nacellls couldn't handle the pace
Didn't you?
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5. |
Hurry Up and Wait
03:07
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(Chorus x2)
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait
It's the life of the SME
Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week,
For data and decisions coming down
Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week,
Until the schedule turns upside down
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up,
Here is the data; give us what we need
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up,
The Admiral can't wait for COB
Hurry up, wait a week, it's faster than warp factor eight
Hurry up, wait a week, it's slower than Porthos's gait
Hurry up!
(Chorus x2)
Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week,
For budget figures coming any night
Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week,
Hold up we still aren't using money, right?
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up,
Here is the data; give us what we need
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up,
We don't needmoney; we need FTEs
Hurry up, wait a week, it's slower than thrusters on half
Hurry up, wait a week, it's faster than Q's finger snap
Hurry up!
Starfleet needs to know what it's supposed to do
So tell them what the figures mean and reassure the project team
Starfleet needs to know, and so it looks to you
Just don't say "there's no way in hell," 'cause that's why they built this nacell
Starfleet needs to know what it's supposed to do
They may not hear a single word until you're long gone and transferred
But Starfleet needs to know, and so it looks to you
And if you cause a warp core breach, remember you can always teach
Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week,
The test and simulations aren't done yet
Wait a week, wait a week, wait a week,
What kind of data do you think we'll get?
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up,
Here is the data; give us what we need
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up,
Good Lord, do engineers know how to read?
Hurry up, wait a week, it's longer than Voyager's return
Hurry up, wait a week, it's shorter than what did the Burn
Hurry up!
(Chorus)
Yesterday we said you had a week, but now the
Admiral just said he wants a
peek, and so, we need what you have
Now. We need it now. Yes we said now. We need it now. Hang on
The Admiral rescheduled, and we'll get back to you a week from now.
Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait
Up and wait! Up and wait!
Hurry up and wait and Hurry up and wait and Hurry up and
Wait, Hurry up, Hurry up, and wait
Hurry up! and
Wait
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6. |
EPMH
01:49
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Well the program was in trouble, that’s for certain
Any further delays and it would have been curtains
To make matter worse, we were burnin’ through budget
And we’d run out of creative manners to fudge it
So I told the sponsor in my next communication
“Time to break the glass; bring the EPMH in”
Emergency Program Management Hologram
He materialized with the air of command
In his gold uniform with four neck pips
He used all the higher skills of management
Got the schedule sorted and the cost cut down
And the stakeholders felt like they were on the ninth cloud
The team had been stuck in the phase of stormin’
But the EPMH, he soon got them performin’
He maneuvered deftly, getting people on task
And he always kept his eye on the critical path
In no time at all, it brought heart to the team
To hear: “Please state the nature of the management emergency”
So the next time your program goes off the rails
Just use the technology that never fails
Agile or Waterfall, he’ll set it right
Trust your projects to the safety of photons and light
When you need a miracle for your program
Call th’Emergency Program Management Hologram
“Please state the nature of the management emergency”
“Yes there’s a problem. Your task is not on file.”
“I’m a program manager, not a doctor.”
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7. |
Kicked Upstairs
10:12
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The woman sat before me; her eyes stared off in space;
She looked to me as happy as a child.
Her face lit up with joy as it had for so many years,
Although recently far rarer was her smile.
She said “I've lived a lifetime, right here behind this desk.
I've done everything a bureaucrat can do
I've worked my way from Ensign to Captain on this rock;
And I've briefed a Starfleet C-in-C or two.
“Through all of this there was still one thing that I did miss,
A longing I had for a ship command.
I'm leaving on a transport, the USS T'Pol
To see strange new worlds and visit distant lands.”
{Chorus}
She wants to feel the warp corps shake the plates beneath her,
As the stars go by for everyone to see.
She's had enough of flying damned computer consoles
Instead she wants to be out hopping galaxies.
I sat there in front of her too stunned to say a word.
My mentor was leaving for deep space.
All the challenges of project management I'd seen
Came fromwatching her since I came to this place.
Starfleet Academy was quite the trip for me,
Four years of preparation in the class.
The wisdom gained was far too theoretical for space;
So they sent me to a desk to plant my ass.
I prospered in her shadow; I rose under her wing.
Quickly my pips went from one to three.
I grew comfortable in my position, happily to know
That I'd never have to work as hard as she.
{Chorus}
Is there anything else you need? We shared a final smile.
She said, “Nothing here, I'm ready for the stars.
Still I have some time before, I take my center seat.
How 'bout you and I have one more at the bar?"
It may have started as one drink, but then it went all night.
We laughed so hard I could't stop the tears.
The foll'wing day, I saw a note; I sat in her old chair
And fondly I remembered all our years.
I read the note that morning and sat up with a start.
My happiness dissolved into a sob.
"Enjoy the desk," the note said and suddenly I knew.
Those bastards, they had given me her job!
{Chorus x2}
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8. |
Farewell to the Past
04:18
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Say farewell to all from your past time encounters
Say farewell to all of your friends from the past
For we're from Temporal Investigation
Be aware that this briefing could be your last
(Chorus)
We will ask and we'll probe like ltrue civil servants
We will ask and we'll probe from day upon day
And you'd better hope we can tell all of Starfleet
That you haven't sent the timeline far astray
You cling to your tale of minimal impact
You cling to your tale to stay in the clear
But if we find differences in all your stories
The squaring up will likely see you cashiered
(Chorus)
Did you whip 'round a star, or go through a wormhole
How far back in time did you manage to go
Exact Stardate please, or was it pre-Federation
Even if you don't say, our successors will know
(Chorus)
For all must be given to Starfleet the answers
Of just what you did in your time in the past
Let go your anxiety and all deception
Just stick with the truth or you're out on your ass
(Chorus)
Now you just might think, you've managed to fool us
You think that you've thwarted us from our work
But before you go with what you think aresecrets
Ask yourself who really demoted Jim Kirk
(Chorus)
Say farewell to all from your past time encounters
Say farewell to all of your friends from the past
For we're from Temporal Investigation
Be aware that this briefing could be your last
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9. |
Memos to Nowhere
03:20
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{chorus}
Forever forgetting the memos to nowhere
When probing the projects that did not succeed
The issues, the blockers, the risks, and the impacts
Remain in the files, but they stay there, unseen
These memos to nowhere, that no one will read.
I write as I must, when I'm on brand new programs
As Starfleet goes questing to turn visions new
Into grand achivements in science and progress
With no thought to timelines on what they will do
{chorus}
But it's also my lot to inform and give warning
About all the resources that we'll require
It's easy for them to think since there's no money
There must be no cost, even as it jumps higher
{chorus}
For if they're to finish whatever they started
If they're to be trusted to stay within scope
Perhaps they will notice my well-written warnings
Instead of explaining the warp cores they broke.
{chorus}
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10. |
Risa Security Training
03:23
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You may call it heaven; we still see the hell
Through the aphrodisiacs, and the lovely smells
There's spies and thieves a plenty
Doctoring your drinks
Whate'er you think of Risa
It's riskier than you think
You may think you're wisened; you think you've seen it all
That's what they are hoping: pride before the fall
There was the crew from Enterprise
They all felt the same
Then they found the dangers
Were more than just a game
Yes it's a vacation; enjoy yourselves for sure
Still our admonitions are more than just manure
We're drafting up a briefing
On all the fiends that lurk
But every single version
Is tagged Not Safe for Work!
We'll include a video explaining what we've warned
Once the project sponsors stop thinking that it's porn
Until then take our word on
The risks of honeypots
If you don't guard our secrets
Our foes will take the lot!
If you have a breach on your stay
Be it short or long
The only bridge that you'll be near
Is in this little song
There's so much on Risa to give you all you need
Still you must remember the warnings that we plead
We don't care whom you sleep with
Your sex life is your own
But treat this like it's Argo
And you'll be more than prone
Now you've heard our briefing on what you must avoid
Make sure not to mix our frustration with your joy
Your pleasures and our business
Should stay firmly unlinked
Whate'er you think of Risa
It's riskier than you think
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11. |
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12. |
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I am the model of the only constant in the universe,
And Starfleet functions best from all the policies that I disperse.
If you're a maverick officer who thinks our mandates are a curse
You should be warned that our reactions truly tend to the adverse.
I'm very well acquainted with all matters bureaucratical,
I know from Kirk to Burnham, captains find them all impractical,
But if you think ignoring them is somehow wise and tactical
You'll find me and my colleagues justifiably intractible.
I write our regulations in a multitude of languages
From diplomatic matters down to replicating sandwiches
But don't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse
I am the model of the only constant in the universe.
There were a bunch of rebels; they were running Section 31,
For years and years they fought our rules; they really were the dirty ones.
So we gave them an AI to bring order to their craziness
And it was going perfectly until the thing got sentience.
Directives that we write are done from wisdom of the brainiacs
But starship captains, they don't care; they're ust a bunch of maniacs.
They drive us crazy: Archer, Burnham, Sisko, Pike, Picard, and Kirk
And someone please tell Janeway that is now it's supposed towork!
Our mandates are written to cover all eventualities,
Except for those that seem to happen often in reality
So don't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse
I am the model of the only constant in the universe.
Sometimes it seems the only shipmates who are staying in their lanes
Are those derived from holograms or sporting positronic brains
But even they can figure out the rules need not be broken to
Be bent out of proportion so we have to write them all anew.
You'll see me and my colleagues bringing order every century
From Enterprise to Voyager all the way to Discovery
No matter all the crazies who are out there hopping galaxies
They never can escape the constant of Starfleet bureaucracies.
So when you think you'll get assigned to flagships of our lovely fleet
But instead find your shuttle dock to freighters as you nash your teeth
You won't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse
I am the model of the only constant in the universe.
You won't forget the wisdom that McCoy did cynically disperse
I am the model of the only constant in the universe.
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D.J. McGuire Suffolk, Virginia
My love of sci-fi/fantasy and my experience as a federal contractor take my muse to interesting places.
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